I hope this doesn’t offend any half-crustacean readers out there.

RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES! Sometimes I just luck out. Crazy coincidence that custom-built celebutard Heidi Montag’s 10-procedures-in-one-day plastic surgeon was named Frank Ryan. As in “The Curse of Dr. Frank Ryan!” “Son of Dr. Frank Ryan!” “Frank Ryan’s Revenge!” “Dr. Frank Ryan’s Castle!” “Abbott & Costello Meet Frank Ryan!”

Yes, The New Lou is LOOSELY based on my hair stylist. She’s a good sport, letting me go all hyperbolic. Several of these conversations really happened. Guess which ones!

It’s like that one scene in “Rodan,” remember? The miner in the hospital watches the little bird egg hatch and ahh forget it.

Remember “Afghan” Stan and “Anti-Talibany” Annie? Gotta have them appear every few years or I lose the copyright.

I think we all know who’s going to be (re)appearing soon…. =:^O

Figured I’d save you the fifth panel where Armpit blows lunch like a Rainbird Sprinkler. You’re welcome.

My first stop was Tustin. No, wait. My first stop was Port of Subs in Oceanside. Gotta eat some #8 for breakfast! (I considered sending JustJenn a photo, as is tradition.)

OK. My first Bimboozled-related stop was Comics Toons and Toys in Tustin. The owner — Matt Powers — and his #1 henchman Ken Rolow have long been allies and advocates of Cool Jerk. In fact, my second-ever store signing (in Dec. 2005) was there. Their inventory showed Hodabeast only, and Matt was kind enough to add Chickadoowa, Bimboozled and Doc Splatter Ominous Omnibus to their store. Yay!

My next stop was in Pasadena. I’d been to Comics Factory a few times, the most recent time I spotted a copy of Hodabeast on their shelf. So I introduced myself to George (the owner) and let him know I have three more books! He took a stack off my hands, cut me a check and we wished each other a good day.

Like a moth to a flame, I can’t get within a 20-mile radius of Burbank without stopping in to Porto’s Bakery for some lunch (potato ball sandwich) and to one of my all-time favorite comic shops: House of Secrets. Erik and Paul have been staunch supporters of Cool Jerk for years, and they hosted a store signing for me in January. Their clientele are loyal and friendly. All Erik needed to see was one copy of Bimboozled and nothing need be said by me, as he just said “let’s do it.” And now House of Secrets has the full Cool Jerk library.

Off to Meltdown on Sunset Boulevard in Hollywood. I “officially” met Leslie (creator of the Beastlies), whom I’ve seen and said “hi” to a few times at Comic-Con over the years. Unfortunately, the head cheese Chris was recording a podcast so I was unable to strike up a partnership. I left copies of three books for his consideration, and a promise to contact him when it’s not so busy. (Meltdown does have a couple copies of Hodabeast in stock)

It wasn’t the smartest plan to drop in on comics shops on a Wednesday, aka New Comics Day. The busiest day of the week. But it was necessary, because my NEXT stop was The Comic Bug in Manhattan Beach… and thus the true reason for the trip north.

Unlike the other shops I visited, this one wasn’t about Cool Jerk. It was about JustJenn. Darlene’s and my friend Jenn was having a store signing (is that the right term?), selling her stationery, pads, buttons, badges, posters and related handmade design collectibles and ephemera. And cupcakes. Ohh-h-h-h. The cupcakes.

Besides being an outstanding food blogger and graphic designer, Jenn also bakes a mean cupcake. The ones she was selling (or giving away as samples, or with purchase) were meticulously decorated with some of the more popular Marvel or DC superhero logos.

That Superman logo was a jaw-dropper.

Not only did she make up one special for me (Fantastic Four logo), but the cupcakes themselves were “Horn Specials” — Red Velvet with Cream Cheese frosting and Ovaltine with Ovaltine Ganache frosting. (They’re nicknamed “Horn Specials” because Jenn did these exact cupcake varieties for Darlene’s and my wedding last summer, minus comic logos.)

Jenn already blogged about the event, so I won’t steal her thunder. But from my side of the table, it was a lot of fun. I saw a bunch of friends, most of whom are on Twitter (@sarahkuhn, @fakejeffchen, @foodlibrarian, @waffles) and met Jenn’s friend Cheryl (who bought a set of Cool Jerk books from me curbside at Jenn’s suggestion) and Jenn’s grandmother, aka The O.G.

For 12 hours yesterday, it was like a bonus sixth day of Comic-Con. Sure I sold a bunch of books, but I also bought more comics than I did during comic-con. I also met friends, made new ones, helped support a pal. Good day.

Sweet spot? The volleyball players. Maybe the Playmate Igloo cooler. Or the staple gun. Hard to say.

Cray-cray! “News-paper.” Sheesh!