And it was at the 39:00 mark that Doc Splatter puked.

What kind of a sick bastard would make a movie about an STD? Zombies, alien parasites, madmen with chainsaws, vampires, poltergeists… bring it on! Doc Splatter don’t shiv! But I gotta tell you — a lesbian who gets drunk at a party and has an unprotected hook-up with a dude and a couple days later — among other symptoms — gets a bad case of “pink eye?” Glad my butcher apron doubles as a barf bib.

I’m on the fence here. Should I spoil the gruesome details about what happens to the girl in the three days since bumping uglies? Maybe not. But I tell you what — it’s the exceptional makeup and practical effects that make this almost too much to watch. I’ll just set you up with some spoiler-free keywords:

#auntflo #auntgeyser #molar #maggot #toreupfromthefloorup #rash #manipedi #coldsore #baldspot #bloodbarfmakeoutscene #hotwater #milkyeye #deadflowers #passedoutbloodbarf

This was a very well done thriller, but not without some problems. Here are three:

The female lead, Samantha (Najarra Townsend), is largely unlikeable. Kinda lost my sympathy vote there. Another flaw is the relative lack of “HOLY CRAP, SAMANTHA! WHY DOES IT LOOK LIKE YOU SPENT A MONTH AT CHERNOBYL?” from her friends and mom. Yeah, they say “You look like hell” and everything, but when your teeth go from Jennifer Love Hewitt to The Penguin’s from “Batman Returns” in 48 hours, time to call an ambulance. And the final 20 seconds had to go.

This movie will do for unprotected sex what “John Carpenter’s The Thing” did for allowing stray Norwegian sled dogs to come into your Antarctic research camp. Or, you know, “Jaws” and beaches.

I don’t even want to show you a screen grab from the movie. Might make you blow lunch. Instead, how about a public domain poster warning about your pubic domain?

The movie is “Contracted” (2013) and is available on Netflix near you. Doc Splatter gives it an A-.