Having temporarily sated my appetite on “found-footage” horror movies, I decided to wander over to the “tentacles” section. And it was here that “Scourge” (2008) caught my attention. The movie poster shows a naked strawberry blonde gal menaced by no shortage of tentacles. But at the same time, there’s a bit of a twinkle in her eye. Are they her pets? A new fashion statement? Goodness gracious are they coming out of her… her… underpants area??

Hugs!

What we have here is another tepid “bodyjacking parasite/demon/alien” film that’s really nothing more than a pale imitation of “The Hidden” (1987). The gist is there’s a tentacled parasite that’s been locked up in a church cellar since 1871 but a fire frees it from its confines and it promptly bodyjacks a fireman. From there it continues to jump around from person-to-person, mouth-to-navel (a la “The Matrix”; the parasite even looks similar). And the rest of the movie is your typical “bad-boy outsider who left town comes back and only he and the gal he dated in high school can save the sleepy town from an otherworldly/indestructible/mysterious menace.” If that sounds familiar, it should. That’s the exact, by-the-numbers plot of pretty much every fifth splatter movie. “The Blob” (1988) jumps to mind.

The star of the movie OF COURSE is the parasite. This CGI pest makes each new host hungry and gassy. And apparently the only way to subdue it is with ancient blacksmith tongs (not kidding) and wine (not kidding). I kinda felt bad for the lil’ guy — I think it just want to find a “forever home.”

Feeling punchy.

Pretty much the whole movie was forgettable. I saw it 48 hours ago and I’m having a rough time remembering any scene. Well, there was the one guy who got his jaw nearly punched off. That was pretty cool.

I’m giving this movie way too much of my attention so let me cut to the chase. Not terribly scary or original — average in all respects but penalized for gratuitous fart sounds (which I’m sure can also be said about me). I give it a C-. Available on Netflix near you.