Well, color me surprised.

Seems familiar

Apparently yesterday’s crapfest “The Collection” (2013) is a sequel to “The Collector” (2009). Presented with this new information, I decided to watch “The Collector” and I’ll say it was a spectacularly dreadful heap of shit. But compared to its sequel, it was a masterful tour de force by a team of filmmaking virtuosos and wunderkinds.

The plot revolves around an older, Southern plantation-style house and how it was raped by a masked jackass with a fetish for bondage, torture and death traps. This house had to endure its living room being violated with tripwires, razor wire in the kitchen, bear traps in the foyer, knives in the chandelier, nail traps installed within the walls, steaming quick-cure cement (no doubt from ACME) in the guest bedroom, its windows being boarded up and broken out, bathroom door being bashed open with a human head, a kid’s room being turned into a makeshift electrocution chamber, etc.

And please keep in mind all these death traps were installed by one guy in one evening in the space of maybe three hours.

Here’s a SPOILER: the kid survives, as does the sadistic Mr. Collector Guy and the dude who looks like Rick Grimes from “The Walking Dead” (duh, because they’re both in the sequel).

Watching this insufferable torture porn made me hate this movie, hate myself for wasting time watching this movie, and hate the sequel even more. A remarkable achievement in filmmaking.

In fact, the sequel is 33% more lame because they didn’t even use a different photo for their poster. Check it out.

Reduce. Reuse. Recycle.

What did I give the sequel— an F, right? Well, this one is marginally better, so Doc Splatter gives it an F+. Apropos since it’s available on Hulu Plus.