At four-and-a-half minutes into “Blood Lake: Attack of the Killer Lampreys,” we get this rich morsel of dialogue:
Mom (Shannen Doherty): “Are you going somewhere?”
Nicole (Ciara Hanna): “I’m going to the beach with Alex.”
Mom: “Nicole wait…! (concerned and in quiet tones) Is the water at the beach OK?”
Dad (Jason Brooks): “It’s fine. Lampreys don’t attack people.”
What makes this so unbelievably awesome is that there was no mention of “lampreys” anywhere prior to this in the movie. It’s totally random! It’s like being asked if you want a popsicle and you reply, “I’ll take cherry, thanks. Do you think there are any evil clowns lurking in the sewers ready to pull the arms off of little boys?”
And this isn’t a sequel, either. I would understand if this was “Jaws 8” and mom asked dad if the beach was safe from sharks because Amity has a historic and well-documented chronic problem with shark attacks. But this takes place at Lake Charlevoix, Michigan, and as a Michigander who has actually been to Lake Charlevoix, I can guarantee that “How are the lampreys at the beach today, Earl?” doesn’t come up much in daily conversation.
The rest of the movie is your typical, slapped-together, by-the-numbers crapathon. Implauasble premise, zoological impossibilities, “where’s my paycheck?” acting, no surprises, laughable special effects, predictable everything and disappointing everything. Love the blatant “You won’t close my beaches!” money-hungry mayor trope proudly swiped from “Jaws.” Love the mountains and palm trees in Michigan. Love how foot-long lampreys jump out of the water, latch onto a 260 lb. man’s scalp and somehow drag him 10 feet backward into a pond. It makes “Piranha 3D” look like “Argo.”
Apparently debuting on Animal Planet (rolls eyes), “Blood Lake: Attack of the Killer Lampreys (2014)” is about an hour-and-a-half of the finest suckfest to which SyFy Network said “no thanks, we’ve got high standards.”
The Doc gives it a generous and largely undeserved D+. Available on Netflix near you.
