Orange and black is the new black

Like an octopus I was suckered.

I’d been recommended the sappy, romantic, low-budget Latin-American road movie “Monsters” (2010) by several friends. Of course, they didn’t describe it that way. “Oh, Doc Splatter! You should see ‘Monsters!’ It’s a super-realistic depiction of what it would be like if 400-foot tentacled aliens invaded Mexico!”

The story is your basic elevator pitch: American photojournalist escorts his boss’ daughter home via 200 miles of monster-infested Mexico. And that’s about it in a nutshell. There are monsters, sure — probably six minutes’ worth. No real frights, no gore to speak of, either. Just (choke) human drama in a fairly believable science-fiction backdrop. What stands out about this movie is that it’s a 140-minute resumé for Gareth Edwards… the dude who did this year’s “Godzilla.”

SHOW ME THE MONSTERS!

Not a splatter movie; barely a monster movie despite its name (I’d begun to think the name “Monster” was a double-meaning metaphor for “horrible people who are worse than the alien creatures” but no, everyone is pretty nice to each other). It’s like “Pacific Rim” minus the robots and the action and the humor and the special effects and the kick-ass soundtrack and the charismatic cast and the budget plus a motorboat plus a prostitute plus a Texaco.

Regardless, it’s a worthwhile film. And a spoiler for you shippers, there is a romantic hook-up at the very end of the movie — BETWEEN TWO TENTACLE MONSTERS! Doc Splatter gives it a B. Available on Netflix near you.