THAT… is some serious false advertising right there, folks.

So I’m about three minutes into “The Graves” (2009) — another one of those After Dark Horrorfest flicks — and we’re introduced to geek girls Megan and Abby Graves goofing off inside the now-closed Atomic Comics in Phoenix. Thing is, they’re in front of a wall of Lady Death comics. I mean a WALL. Of Lady Death comics. Like that’s only what the shops sells. And I thought “WOW that’s some unapologetic product placement right there…! No wonder they went out of business. Who directed this movie, Brian Pulido?”

Yes. This movie was written and directed by Brian Pulido. Creator of the Lady Death comic. And at this point I pretty much checked out.

Megan and Abby Graves in happier times

And for good reason. Clare Grant and Jillian Murray are fun to watch and they do an OK job in black tank tops running around an Arizona ghost town tourist trap trying not to have their souls devoured by Tony Todd (“Candyman”) and his small-town underlings. But the pacing is dull, the audio is poor (lots of mumbling), dialogue is hackneyed and the logic is questionable. The Graves sisters never seem to be more than 20-30 feet away from the maniac-in-pursuit and yet they speak loudly (or yell) when trying to stay hidden, they duck behind a decrepit building not 8 paces ahead of their tormentor LIKE HE COULDN’T SEE WHERE THEY WENT and so on. Also, at one point Clare is hacked in the chest with a sickle, loses a quart of blood, is nearly unconscious and at the brink of death BUT a little direct pressure with a handkerchief and two hours later she’s right as rain.

It looks and feels a lot like a comic book, but not a good comic book.

Abysmal. Doc Splatter would give this an F if it weren’t for a rare sighting of Amanda Wyss, so let’s call it a D-. Find it on Amazon Prime among other places.