Share/Bookmark

Java the Hot and MuggySep 29, 2014

(click it to upsize it)

In the days, weeks and months to follow, Puppy will blame her behavior on mild heatstroke and the pervasive sexist influences of ’80s heavy metal videos. But for now, it’s just to make a few bucks.

DOCtoberFest 2014 Day 1: “Blood Lake (2014)”Oct 1, 2014

At four-and-a-half minutes into “Blood Lake: Attack of the Killer Lampreys,” we get this rich morsel of dialogue:

Mom (Shannen Doherty): “Are you going somewhere?”

Nicole (Ciara Hanna): “I’m going to the beach with Alex.”

Mom: “Nicole wait…! (concerned and in quiet tones) Is the water at the beach OK?”

Dad (Jason Brooks): “It’s fine. Lampreys don’t attack people.”

What makes this so unbelievably awesome is that there was no mention of “lampreys” anywhere prior to this in the movie. It’s totally random! It’s like being asked if you want a popsicle and you reply, “I’ll take cherry, thanks. Do you think there are any evil clowns lurking in the sewers ready to pull the arms off of little boys?”

And this isn’t a sequel, either. I would understand if this was “Jaws 8″ and mom asked dad if the beach was safe from sharks because Amity has a historic and well-documented chronic problem with shark attacks. But this takes place at Lake Charlevoix, Michigan, and as a Michigander who has actually been to Lake Charlevoix, I can guarantee that “How are the lampreys at the beach today, Earl?” doesn’t come up much in daily conversation.

The rest of the movie is your typical, slapped-together, by-the-numbers crapathon. Implauasble premise, zoological impossibilities, “where’s my paycheck?” acting, no surprises, laughable special effects, predictable everything and disappointing everything. Love the blatant “You won’t close my beaches!” money-hungry mayor trope proudly swiped from “Jaws.” Love the mountains and palm trees in Michigan. Love how foot-long lampreys jump out of the water, latch onto a 260 lb. man’s scalp and somehow drag him 10 feet backward into a pond. It makes “Piranha 3D” look like “Argo.”

Apparently debuting on Animal Planet (rolls eyes), “Blood Lake: Attack of the Killer Lampreys (2014)” is about an hour-and-a-half of the finest suckfest to which SyFy Network said “no thanks, we’ve got high standards.”

The Doc gives it a generous and largely undeserved D+. Available on Netflix near you.

Doc Splatter + Eva Halloween = October hijinksSep 28, 2014


Doc Splatter and Eva Halloween are teaming up next month for some cross-pollination shenanigans. The Year of Halloween meets DOCtoberFest. Read the post on Eva’s site, follow the rules, be part of the celebration. Maybe win a goodie (free chainsaw to face. Joke).

SDCCI ’14 Photo RecapAug 10, 2014


That’s right, kiddos — if it’s August, that must mean it’s time for the San Diego Comic-Con recap! This year was unexpectedly decent, even though I’m in a year “between books.” But I did debut the second volume of the Cool Jerk sketchbook, not seen at a comic-con since 2007. They were either free with a book, t-shirt or canvas panel purchase, or $3 a al carte. I also had the blank cover variant for $10, where the customer would receive a one-of-a-kind, pencil-and-ink drawing of their choice. That seemed to go over like hot cakes, which kept me plenty busy at the table (and at home if I ran out of time at the show). Seen above is a drawing of “Dr. Armadillo v2.0″ for Dan Bois, and below are some select covers for various friends and allies of Cool Jerk.

Click to enlarge!

A hearty and heartfelt thanks to everyone who came by the table, whether to buy Cool Jerk stuff, talk shop, catch up, share laughs or just say hi and give a hug. I hope you had as much fun as we did, and I also hope to see you online on a regular basis.

And now, onto the show!


Spy vs. Spy!


Vanellope von Schweetz and her candy-covered cart (from “Wreck-It Ralph)! One of the most elaborate cosplays we witnessed at the show.


I don’t know what this is, but it looks like a mash-up of Star Trek + Playboy + vampires!


Here are three Avengers — Black Widow, Ms. Marvel and Scarlet Witch — checking out artwork by Adam Hughes and Allison Sohn.


Darlene witnessed this tragic scene with Spider-Man and Gwen Stacy! “DON’T BE DEAD, GWEN — I DON’T WANT YOU TO BE DEAD!”


My Sharpie sketch of Scooby-Doo for Kalyan, a Cool Jerk fan with a huge sketchbook!


A Michael Myers parade! I think I just peed a little.


Customized Cool Jerk sketchbook cover (she wanted Cool Jerk, zombies and a kitty — I swear) for Shayla Morreale!


Two of my favorite cosplayers this year — Mojo Jojo and The Him!


While on a walkabout, Darlene spotted a gaggle of Marge Simpsons!


Sparks, Nevada’s very own Mädchen Amick, promoting Lifetime’s “Witches of East End.” She’s only the second Twin Peaks cast member I’ve ever seen in real life (the other was Michael J. Anderson at SDCC in the late 1990).


Natasha and Steve, taking a break from saving the world from Hydra.

Click to enlarge!

Standout cosplayers I was lucky to witness after the doors shut one evening. Presenting: The Monster and the Bride!


Darlene got to chat a bit with Mike Mignola (creator of Hellboy). Here he is, displaying his Skeleton Head syrah label.


It just isn’t a comic-con without running into The Monarch (Steven Meissner) and his bride, Dr. Mrs. The Monarch (Kit Quinn). Not sure who the other dude is….


Freddy Krueger decided he wanted one of my Doc Splatter Ominous Omnibus books.


That’s AmberSkies as Kim Possible (note she’s holding Rufus the naked mole rat)! For some reason, Kim Possible was big this year; I saw no fewer than four Kim cosplayers.


“What’s in YOUR bookshelf?” That’s actually Elliott Branch as Jules from “Pulp Fiction.”


There’s Evangeline Lilly, signing copies of her book, The Squickerwonkers. News broke during Comic-Con that she’ll be playing Hope Pym in next year’s “Ant-Man.”


Kevin Smith (hockey jersey, of course) being interviewed at a hotel across from the convention center.


I love group cosplay, and here’s a group paying tribute to “Game of Thrones.”


Sketchbook commission for my friends Eric and Jocelyn, who desperately wanted something to do with “Frozen.”


Eric and Jocelyn’s reaction to the finished “Frozen” piece. Eric decided to title it, “‘Monster Turns On Creator,’ Sharpie and colored pencil, 2014.”


By the Winds of Watoomb! It’s Dr. Strange and Scarlet Witch!


Wish I had better pix of Apocalypse — he was huge and had a voice changer (I think)!


Waiting to cross over to the Hilton parking garage was none other than Ares, God of War!


Up close and personal with the Beast (of X-Men and Avengers fame, not the Disney cartoon, natch)!


A triptych of Batgirls!


I think that’s Jean Grey wearing Rogue’s outfit (or Rogue wearing Jean Grey’s wig?), Vlad Dracul von Chesty and Blink!


Hodor, Amora (aka The Enchantress) and a Jawa!


Crossplayers as Starfox and Roger Rabbit! Starfox was charming in that what she lacked in sewing skills, she made up for with encyclopedic knowledge of the Marvel character. (Quick reference: Starfox is brother to Thanos.)


Guess we’ll end this the only way possible — at Terminus!

Cool Jerk and San Diego Comic-Con 2014Jul 22, 2014

This week marks Cool Jerk’s 12th year of tabling at San Diego Comic-Con International! That’s just CRAZY! Remember way back to the early 2000s when all I had were buttons and ashcans?


Well, I’m bringing ashcans back — Cool Jerk Sketchbook v2.0! I haven’t done a sketchbook since 2007 so I figured it was due time. It’s the best $3 you’ll spend at the show, but you can get it free with any purchase of $20 or more! Do you like original, one-of-a-kind artist sketches? I’ll have a small handful of blank-cover variants for $10, and you get to choose something/someone for me to draw on the cover! Or hell, take it to another artist for a sketch. I don’t mind!


Many ‘con regulars missed last year’s show, but don’t worry, friends — I got your back. I’ll have all my Cool Jerk collections on hand — literally — including last year’s lovely Thinkulus (Cool Jerk Vol. 4). As always, I’ll be running my special comic-con discounts because damn, you already had to pay mass bucks for tickets, right? Figure I could help you recoup a few $$.


Folks just love these, so I’ll also have several new Canvas Panels debuting at the show! A mere $15 a pop for hand-sized artwork, suitable for any room in the house!

I also have all the other items you could ever possibly want:

• T-shirts in a variety of styles, fits (M or F) and sizes!
• Sharpie original art breakdowns for $3-$5? CRAZY!
• Stickers, buttons and the like!
• As ever, sketches are free!

Click it to enlarge it

Here’s a map I made while you were at Office Depot buying poster tubes.

We’re in the same spot we’ve always been, Small Press K10, right by the communal baths/vomitorium/emergency cosplay repair stations.

Find us on Twitter — @cooljerk and @darleneeats. We’ll be live-Tweeting throughout!

See you there!

Destroy All Hunger! Where to eat during San Diego Comic-ConJul 21, 2014

Click to enlarge


Please — for the sake of all that’s holy — don’t eat at the convention center during San Diego Comic-Con!

Darlene’s full write-up (including photos and some breakfast extras) here.

Cool Jerk is proudly powered by WordPress with ComicPress
All content copyright Paul Horn/Cool Jerk Intl. Site design by Hase Design and Paul Horn.