Now we’re talking…!

I could not avoid the temptation any longer, and just blew about 80 minutes of my lifetime watching “Parasitic” (2012).

It has the feel of a student film; certainly the budget of one. It’s really nothing more than an excuse for Tim Martin — the writer/producer/director/creature designer — to film a handful of strip-club riffraff being attacked (mostly off screen) by a self-propelled pair of fake breasts with an 18-inch phallus jutting from her neck.

This movie had the feel of one of those Cinemax horror movies that’s really just a soft-core porn with some rubber monsters thrown in. The dialog and acting is atrocious… almost exactly like “Clerks,” “Chasing Amy” or “Mallrats.” (That’s not a joke.) I want to think I’m missing the point — like this is an ode to old-timey low-budget schlock splatter movies from the ’70s and ’80s… but no, that’s giving this film too much credit.

That being said, “Parasitic” is not without its share of laughs.

“Val” — the cartoonishly endowed night club manager — eats some bad sushi and goes to the bathroom to puke green-black slime in the sink. Afterward, she decides she’d feel better if she took of her skin-tight tank top (1). Well, she pukes again. So she decides to ditch the bra, too (2). Because that’s what ALL WOMEN DO WHEN THE BARF — THEY TAKE OFF THEIR TOPS. Well, good thing she did, because seconds later her neck gives birth to a corrugated horse dick (3).

Not to kick a movie when it’s down, but that’s just one scene of insanely poor writing. There’s so much more. Apparently no one has a cell phone to call for help, and the only land line in the bar is in a locked office. Another example: a guy in the downstairs cold storage room sets himself on fire with a Bic lighter and he’s reduced to near “Uncle Owen charred skeleton” status — all within 5 minutes — and yet produces no smoke or smell that would be noticed by the others in the night club?

One of the worst. Doc Splatter gives it a double F, which matches “Val’s” bra. Available on Netflix if you must.

I’ve been thinking about how to sum up “Ravenous” (1999) — also known as the “Citizen Kane of Gold Rush-era wendigo movies” — and I’m trying to be brief. Very brief. Like “two-word review” brief.

Sausage fest.
Eat me.
Carnivore porn.
Donner Par-TAY!
Peer pressure.
Ain’t Sierras.
So meaty!
“S’a trap!”
Vegan torture.

Good film — one of John Layman’s favorites. Perhaps even a bit… influential? The Doc gives it an A. Available on Netflix near you.

Like an octopus I was suckered.

I’d been recommended the sappy, romantic, low-budget Latin-American road movie “Monsters” (2010) by several friends. Of course, they didn’t describe it that way. “Oh, Doc Splatter! You should see ‘Monsters!’ It’s a super-realistic depiction of what it would be like if 400-foot tentacled aliens invaded Mexico!”

The story is your basic elevator pitch: American photojournalist escorts his boss’ daughter home via 200 miles of monster-infested Mexico. And that’s about it in a nutshell. There are monsters, sure — probably six minutes’ worth. No real frights, no gore to speak of, either. Just (choke) human drama in a fairly believable science-fiction backdrop. What stands out about this movie is that it’s a 140-minute resumé for Gareth Edwards… the dude who did this year’s “Godzilla.”

Not a splatter movie; barely a monster movie despite its name (I’d begun to think the name “Monster” was a double-meaning metaphor for “horrible people who are worse than the alien creatures” but no, everyone is pretty nice to each other). It’s like “Pacific Rim” minus the robots and the action and the humor and the special effects and the kick-ass soundtrack and the charismatic cast and the budget plus a motorboat plus a prostitute plus a Texaco.

Regardless, it’s a worthwhile film. And a spoiler for you shippers, there is a romantic hook-up at the very end of the movie — BETWEEN TWO TENTACLE MONSTERS! Doc Splatter gives it a B. Available on Netflix near you.

Having temporarily sated my appetite on “found-footage” horror movies, I decided to wander over to the “tentacles” section. And it was here that “Scourge” (2008) caught my attention. The movie poster shows a naked strawberry blonde gal menaced by no shortage of tentacles. But at the same time, there’s a bit of a twinkle in her eye. Are they her pets? A new fashion statement? Goodness gracious are they coming out of her… her… underpants area??

What we have here is another tepid “bodyjacking parasite/demon/alien” film that’s really nothing more than a pale imitation of “The Hidden” (1987). The gist is there’s a tentacled parasite that’s been locked up in a church cellar since 1871 but a fire frees it from its confines and it promptly bodyjacks a fireman. From there it continues to jump around from person-to-person, mouth-to-navel (a la “The Matrix”; the parasite even looks similar). And the rest of the movie is your typical “bad-boy outsider who left town comes back and only he and the gal he dated in high school can save the sleepy town from an otherworldly/indestructible/mysterious menace.” If that sounds familiar, it should. That’s the exact, by-the-numbers plot of pretty much every fifth splatter movie. “The Blob” (1988) jumps to mind.

The star of the movie OF COURSE is the parasite. This CGI pest makes each new host hungry and gassy. And apparently the only way to subdue it is with ancient blacksmith tongs (not kidding) and wine (not kidding). I kinda felt bad for the lil’ guy — I think it just want to find a “forever home.”

Pretty much the whole movie was forgettable. I saw it 48 hours ago and I’m having a rough time remembering any scene. Well, there was the one guy who got his jaw nearly punched off. That was pretty cool.

I’m giving this movie way too much of my attention so let me cut to the chase. Not terribly scary or original — average in all respects but penalized for gratuitous fart sounds (which I’m sure can also be said about me). I give it a C-. Available on Netflix near you.

(Click it to Grabbersize it!)

Movie suggested by Ram Udwin, who knows a thing or two about booze. He also wins a goodie.

In order to wash the taste of “V/H/S” out of my mouth, I decided the next movie should be another “found-footage” thriller… so I gave “Alien Abduction (2014)” a try.

In a nutshell, it’s about how a camcorder survived a weekend in the North Carolina woods. It was slapped by the camcorder-owner’s dad, dropped on the ground a time or two, nearly ran out of battery power once, weathered electromagnetic interference whenever an alien was nearby, bounced around from hillbilly shack through the woods to a hillbilly barn, and — in the climax — was sucked into an alien ship and manhandled (alienhandled) before being jettisoned FROM ORBIT back down to the North Carolina woods. Which merely cracked its lens.

I’ll share a personal story. My first camcorder was an RCA over-the-shoulder, full-size VHS workhorse. A keno runner in a Sparks, Nev. casino accidentally spilled a couple ounces of water on it… AND IT WAS F’ED! So whatever make/model camcorder survived the alien abduction ordeal, I’ll take one of those.

We’re what— 15 years older than when “The Blair Witch Project” was released and we’re STILL doing “found-footage” horror movies? Granted, this one was done much better than other recent efforts… but when the opening three minutes of the movie are the last, climatic three minutes of the movie, you kind of know you don’t need to root for you favorite character to survive. Because (spoilers) no one survives. Except the camcorder.

Another annoying part of a “found-footage” tape is that there wouldn’t be any eerie, barely audible background theme. There ain’t to synthesizers in the woods, Jack. And when light pours into a cabin in the middle of the night, it wouldn’t make a “BZZZZ-GROANNNN!!!! OMG SO SCARY” sound. Light kinda doesn’t do that.

The Doc says you could do worse; I give it a C. Available on Netflix near you.

I just watched the “found-footage” anthology “V/H/S (2012)” and I feel the best way to do this review is as a haiku:

The Doc gives it a D. Available on Netflix near you.

At four-and-a-half minutes into “Blood Lake: Attack of the Killer Lampreys,” we get this rich morsel of dialogue:

Mom (Shannen Doherty): “Are you going somewhere?”

Nicole (Ciara Hanna): “I’m going to the beach with Alex.”

Mom: “Nicole wait…! (concerned and in quiet tones) Is the water at the beach OK?”

Dad (Jason Brooks): “It’s fine. Lampreys don’t attack people.”

What makes this so unbelievably awesome is that there was no mention of “lampreys” anywhere prior to this in the movie. It’s totally random! It’s like being asked if you want a popsicle and you reply, “I’ll take cherry, thanks. Do you think there are any evil clowns lurking in the sewers ready to pull the arms off of little boys?”

And this isn’t a sequel, either. I would understand if this was “Jaws 8” and mom asked dad if the beach was safe from sharks because Amity has a historic and well-documented chronic problem with shark attacks. But this takes place at Lake Charlevoix, Michigan, and as a Michigander who has actually been to Lake Charlevoix, I can guarantee that “How are the lampreys at the beach today, Earl?” doesn’t come up much in daily conversation.

The rest of the movie is your typical, slapped-together, by-the-numbers crapathon. Implauasble premise, zoological impossibilities, “where’s my paycheck?” acting, no surprises, laughable special effects, predictable everything and disappointing everything. Love the blatant “You won’t close my beaches!” money-hungry mayor trope proudly swiped from “Jaws.” Love the mountains and palm trees in Michigan. Love how foot-long lampreys jump out of the water, latch onto a 260 lb. man’s scalp and somehow drag him 10 feet backward into a pond. It makes “Piranha 3D” look like “Argo.”

Apparently debuting on Animal Planet (rolls eyes), “Blood Lake: Attack of the Killer Lampreys (2014)” is about an hour-and-a-half of the finest suckfest to which SyFy Network said “no thanks, we’ve got high standards.”

The Doc gives it a generous and largely undeserved D+. Available on Netflix near you.

Doc Splatter and Eva Halloween are teaming up next month for some cross-pollination shenanigans. The Year of Halloween meets DOCtoberFest. Read the post on Eva’s site, follow the rules, be part of the celebration. Maybe win a goodie (free chainsaw to face. Joke).

That’s right, kiddos — if it’s August, that must mean it’s time for the San Diego Comic-Con recap! This year was unexpectedly decent, even though I’m in a year “between books.” But I did debut the second volume of the Cool Jerk sketchbook, not seen at a comic-con since 2007. They were either free with a book, t-shirt or canvas panel purchase, or $3 a al carte. I also had the blank cover variant for $10, where the customer would receive a one-of-a-kind, pencil-and-ink drawing of their choice. That seemed to go over like hot cakes, which kept me plenty busy at the table (and at home if I ran out of time at the show). Seen above is a drawing of “Dr. Armadillo v2.0” for Dan Bois, and below are some select covers for various friends and allies of Cool Jerk.

A hearty and heartfelt thanks to everyone who came by the table, whether to buy Cool Jerk stuff, talk shop, catch up, share laughs or just say hi and give a hug. I hope you had as much fun as we did, and I also hope to see you online on a regular basis.

And now, onto the show!

Spy vs. Spy!

Vanellope von Schweetz and her candy-covered cart (from “Wreck-It Ralph)! One of the most elaborate cosplays we witnessed at the show.

I don’t know what this is, but it looks like a mash-up of Star Trek + Playboy + vampires!

Here are three Avengers — Black Widow, Ms. Marvel and Scarlet Witch — checking out artwork by Adam Hughes and Allison Sohn.

Darlene witnessed this tragic scene with Spider-Man and Gwen Stacy! “DON’T BE DEAD, GWEN — I DON’T WANT YOU TO BE DEAD!”

My Sharpie sketch of Scooby-Doo for Kalyan, a Cool Jerk fan with a huge sketchbook!

A Michael Myers parade! I think I just peed a little.

Customized Cool Jerk sketchbook cover (she wanted Cool Jerk, zombies and a kitty — I swear) for Shayla Morreale!

Two of my favorite cosplayers this year — Mojo Jojo and The Him!

While on a walkabout, Darlene spotted a gaggle of Marge Simpsons!

Sparks, Nevada’s very own Mädchen Amick, promoting Lifetime’s “Witches of East End.” She’s only the second Twin Peaks cast member I’ve ever seen in real life (the other was Michael J. Anderson at SDCC in the late 1990).

Natasha and Steve, taking a break from saving the world from Hydra.

Standout cosplayers I was lucky to witness after the doors shut one evening. Presenting: The Monster and the Bride!

Darlene got to chat a bit with Mike Mignola (creator of Hellboy). Here he is, displaying his Skeleton Head syrah label.

It just isn’t a comic-con without running into The Monarch (Steven Meissner) and his bride, Dr. Mrs. The Monarch (Kit Quinn). Not sure who the other dude is….

Freddy Krueger decided he wanted one of my Doc Splatter Ominous Omnibus books.

That’s AmberSkies as Kim Possible (note she’s holding Rufus the naked mole rat)! For some reason, Kim Possible was big this year; I saw no fewer than four Kim cosplayers.

“What’s in YOUR bookshelf?” That’s actually Elliott Branch as Jules from “Pulp Fiction.”

There’s Evangeline Lilly, signing copies of her book, The Squickerwonkers. News broke during Comic-Con that she’ll be playing Hope Pym in next year’s “Ant-Man.”

Kevin Smith (hockey jersey, of course) being interviewed at a hotel across from the convention center.

I love group cosplay, and here’s a group paying tribute to “Game of Thrones.”

Sketchbook commission for my friends Eric and Jocelyn, who desperately wanted something to do with “Frozen.”

Eric and Jocelyn’s reaction to the finished “Frozen” piece. Eric decided to title it, “‘Monster Turns On Creator,’ Sharpie and colored pencil, 2014.”

By the Winds of Watoomb! It’s Dr. Strange and Scarlet Witch!

Wish I had better pix of Apocalypse — he was huge and had a voice changer (I think)!

Waiting to cross over to the Hilton parking garage was none other than Ares, God of War!

Up close and personal with the Beast (of X-Men and Avengers fame, not the Disney cartoon, natch)!

A triptych of Batgirls!

I think that’s Jean Grey wearing Rogue’s outfit (or Rogue wearing Jean Grey’s wig?), Vlad Dracul von Chesty and Blink!

Hodor, Amora (aka The Enchantress) and a Jawa!

Crossplayers as Starfox and Roger Rabbit! Starfox was charming in that what she lacked in sewing skills, she made up for with encyclopedic knowledge of the Marvel character. (Quick reference: Starfox is brother to Thanos.)

Guess we’ll end this the only way possible — at Terminus!