(Click it to Mega-size it!)

Not a review per se, but inspired by the dreadful “Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark” (2014), available wherever you find all those lousy movies.

And it was at the 39:00 mark that Doc Splatter puked.

What kind of a sick bastard would make a movie about an STD? Zombies, alien parasites, madmen with chainsaws, vampires, poltergeists… bring it on! Doc Splatter don’t shiv! But I gotta tell you — a lesbian who gets drunk at a party and has an unprotected hook-up with a dude and a couple days later — among other symptoms — gets a bad case of “pink eye?” Glad my butcher apron doubles as a barf bib.

I’m on the fence here. Should I spoil the gruesome details about what happens to the girl in the three days since bumping uglies? Maybe not. But I tell you what — it’s the exceptional makeup and practical effects that make this almost too much to watch. I’ll just set you up with some spoiler-free keywords:

#auntflo #auntgeyser #molar #maggot #toreupfromthefloorup #rash #manipedi #coldsore #baldspot #bloodbarfmakeoutscene #hotwater #milkyeye #deadflowers #passedoutbloodbarf

This was a very well done thriller, but not without some problems. Here are three:

The female lead, Samantha (Najarra Townsend), is largely unlikeable. Kinda lost my sympathy vote there. Another flaw is the relative lack of “HOLY CRAP, SAMANTHA! WHY DOES IT LOOK LIKE YOU SPENT A MONTH AT CHERNOBYL?” from her friends and mom. Yeah, they say “You look like hell” and everything, but when your teeth go from Jennifer Love Hewitt to The Penguin’s from “Batman Returns” in 48 hours, time to call an ambulance. And the final 20 seconds had to go.

This movie will do for unprotected sex what “John Carpenter’s The Thing” did for allowing stray Norwegian sled dogs to come into your Antarctic research camp. Or, you know, “Jaws” and beaches.

I don’t even want to show you a screen grab from the movie. Might make you blow lunch. Instead, how about a public domain poster warning about your pubic domain?

The movie is “Contracted” (2013) and is available on Netflix near you. Doc Splatter gives it an A-.

I’ve done a haiku, I’ve tried two-word reviews… but now I present a NO-WORD REVIEW for the movie “Devil” (2010).

Doc Splatter gives it an A. Available on Netflix near you.

Now we’re talking…!

I could not avoid the temptation any longer, and just blew about 80 minutes of my lifetime watching “Parasitic” (2012).

It has the feel of a student film; certainly the budget of one. It’s really nothing more than an excuse for Tim Martin — the writer/producer/director/creature designer — to film a handful of strip-club riffraff being attacked (mostly off screen) by a self-propelled pair of fake breasts with an 18-inch phallus jutting from her neck.

This movie had the feel of one of those Cinemax horror movies that’s really just a soft-core porn with some rubber monsters thrown in. The dialog and acting is atrocious… almost exactly like “Clerks,” “Chasing Amy” or “Mallrats.” (That’s not a joke.) I want to think I’m missing the point — like this is an ode to old-timey low-budget schlock splatter movies from the ’70s and ’80s… but no, that’s giving this film too much credit.

That being said, “Parasitic” is not without its share of laughs.

“Val” — the cartoonishly endowed night club manager — eats some bad sushi and goes to the bathroom to puke green-black slime in the sink. Afterward, she decides she’d feel better if she took of her skin-tight tank top (1). Well, she pukes again. So she decides to ditch the bra, too (2). Because that’s what ALL WOMEN DO WHEN THE BARF — THEY TAKE OFF THEIR TOPS. Well, good thing she did, because seconds later her neck gives birth to a corrugated horse dick (3).

Not to kick a movie when it’s down, but that’s just one scene of insanely poor writing. There’s so much more. Apparently no one has a cell phone to call for help, and the only land line in the bar is in a locked office. Another example: a guy in the downstairs cold storage room sets himself on fire with a Bic lighter and he’s reduced to near “Uncle Owen charred skeleton” status — all within 5 minutes — and yet produces no smoke or smell that would be noticed by the others in the night club?

One of the worst. Doc Splatter gives it a double F, which matches “Val’s” bra. Available on Netflix if you must.

I’ve been thinking about how to sum up “Ravenous” (1999) — also known as the “Citizen Kane of Gold Rush-era wendigo movies” — and I’m trying to be brief. Very brief. Like “two-word review” brief.

Sausage fest.
Eat me.
Carnivore porn.
Donner Par-TAY!
Peer pressure.
Ain’t Sierras.
So meaty!
“S’a trap!”
Vegan torture.

Good film — one of John Layman’s favorites. Perhaps even a bit… influential? The Doc gives it an A. Available on Netflix near you.

Like an octopus I was suckered.

I’d been recommended the sappy, romantic, low-budget Latin-American road movie “Monsters” (2010) by several friends. Of course, they didn’t describe it that way. “Oh, Doc Splatter! You should see ‘Monsters!’ It’s a super-realistic depiction of what it would be like if 400-foot tentacled aliens invaded Mexico!”

The story is your basic elevator pitch: American photojournalist escorts his boss’ daughter home via 200 miles of monster-infested Mexico. And that’s about it in a nutshell. There are monsters, sure — probably six minutes’ worth. No real frights, no gore to speak of, either. Just (choke) human drama in a fairly believable science-fiction backdrop. What stands out about this movie is that it’s a 140-minute resumé for Gareth Edwards… the dude who did this year’s “Godzilla.”

Not a splatter movie; barely a monster movie despite its name (I’d begun to think the name “Monster” was a double-meaning metaphor for “horrible people who are worse than the alien creatures” but no, everyone is pretty nice to each other). It’s like “Pacific Rim” minus the robots and the action and the humor and the special effects and the kick-ass soundtrack and the charismatic cast and the budget plus a motorboat plus a prostitute plus a Texaco.

Regardless, it’s a worthwhile film. And a spoiler for you shippers, there is a romantic hook-up at the very end of the movie — BETWEEN TWO TENTACLE MONSTERS! Doc Splatter gives it a B. Available on Netflix near you.

Having temporarily sated my appetite on “found-footage” horror movies, I decided to wander over to the “tentacles” section. And it was here that “Scourge” (2008) caught my attention. The movie poster shows a naked strawberry blonde gal menaced by no shortage of tentacles. But at the same time, there’s a bit of a twinkle in her eye. Are they her pets? A new fashion statement? Goodness gracious are they coming out of her… her… underpants area??

What we have here is another tepid “bodyjacking parasite/demon/alien” film that’s really nothing more than a pale imitation of “The Hidden” (1987). The gist is there’s a tentacled parasite that’s been locked up in a church cellar since 1871 but a fire frees it from its confines and it promptly bodyjacks a fireman. From there it continues to jump around from person-to-person, mouth-to-navel (a la “The Matrix”; the parasite even looks similar). And the rest of the movie is your typical “bad-boy outsider who left town comes back and only he and the gal he dated in high school can save the sleepy town from an otherworldly/indestructible/mysterious menace.” If that sounds familiar, it should. That’s the exact, by-the-numbers plot of pretty much every fifth splatter movie. “The Blob” (1988) jumps to mind.

The star of the movie OF COURSE is the parasite. This CGI pest makes each new host hungry and gassy. And apparently the only way to subdue it is with ancient blacksmith tongs (not kidding) and wine (not kidding). I kinda felt bad for the lil’ guy — I think it just want to find a “forever home.”

Pretty much the whole movie was forgettable. I saw it 48 hours ago and I’m having a rough time remembering any scene. Well, there was the one guy who got his jaw nearly punched off. That was pretty cool.

I’m giving this movie way too much of my attention so let me cut to the chase. Not terribly scary or original — average in all respects but penalized for gratuitous fart sounds (which I’m sure can also be said about me). I give it a C-. Available on Netflix near you.

(Click it to Grabbersize it!)

Movie suggested by Ram Udwin, who knows a thing or two about booze. He also wins a goodie.

In order to wash the taste of “V/H/S” out of my mouth, I decided the next movie should be another “found-footage” thriller… so I gave “Alien Abduction (2014)” a try.

In a nutshell, it’s about how a camcorder survived a weekend in the North Carolina woods. It was slapped by the camcorder-owner’s dad, dropped on the ground a time or two, nearly ran out of battery power once, weathered electromagnetic interference whenever an alien was nearby, bounced around from hillbilly shack through the woods to a hillbilly barn, and — in the climax — was sucked into an alien ship and manhandled (alienhandled) before being jettisoned FROM ORBIT back down to the North Carolina woods. Which merely cracked its lens.

I’ll share a personal story. My first camcorder was an RCA over-the-shoulder, full-size VHS workhorse. A keno runner in a Sparks, Nev. casino accidentally spilled a couple ounces of water on it… AND IT WAS F’ED! So whatever make/model camcorder survived the alien abduction ordeal, I’ll take one of those.

We’re what— 15 years older than when “The Blair Witch Project” was released and we’re STILL doing “found-footage” horror movies? Granted, this one was done much better than other recent efforts… but when the opening three minutes of the movie are the last, climatic three minutes of the movie, you kind of know you don’t need to root for you favorite character to survive. Because (spoilers) no one survives. Except the camcorder.

Another annoying part of a “found-footage” tape is that there wouldn’t be any eerie, barely audible background theme. There ain’t to synthesizers in the woods, Jack. And when light pours into a cabin in the middle of the night, it wouldn’t make a “BZZZZ-GROANNNN!!!! OMG SO SCARY” sound. Light kinda doesn’t do that.

The Doc says you could do worse; I give it a C. Available on Netflix near you.

I just watched the “found-footage” anthology “V/H/S (2012)” and I feel the best way to do this review is as a haiku:

The Doc gives it a D. Available on Netflix near you.