And we have a winner!

Beating incredible odds and a looming deadline, San Diego’s Ambassador of Sass — Shana Manion — walks away with the prize by answering the most Cool Jerk trivia questions correctly! Here are the questions (numerals) Shana’s answers (SM) and my comments (PH):

– – –

1.) Start you off with an easy one: What is the alter ego of Spittle Beach’s very own “superhero” Dangerman?

SM: Dan German. Don’t waste my time, Horn.

PH: Indeed. Dan German aka Dangerman debuted in Cool Jerk in 1993 – a full decade before Dan Slott introduced the character Dan Jermain aka Danger Man in “She-Hulk” #2.

– – –

2.) Took me by surprise, too: Besides blonde hair, blue eyes, a razor-sharp wit and living in an obviously fictitious SoCal beach city, Puppy Fizgig and Veronica Mars have one thing in common. WHAT IS IT?

SM: If I watched television, perhaps I could answer this. I have never had a desire to see Enrico Colantoni in a furry/fetish sorta way… so let’s hope it’s not that.

PH: Not to my knowledge. We were looking for “They both work at ‘Java the Hut.'” Java the Hut. Sorry. And, again, MY Java the Hut was introduced in 1992. Maybe Kristen Bell saw an old Cool Jerk and suggested it to the producers of “Veronica Mars?” We may never know.

– – –

3.) Who was devoured by DeeDee’s butt?

SM: Manuel Dexterity. You win (lose?) the prize for “Comic with the Lamest and Most Contrived Character Names”, by the way. Buster Moves? My condolences.

PH: Correct on Manuel. And this comes from a fellow cartoonist whose comic published in the “24 Hour Comics Day Highlights 2005” anthology stars “Miss Anthropy” and her little brother “Phil.” oh SNAP!

– – –

4.) Jeffrey Dahmer. Kurt Cobain. Chris Farley. J. Howard Marshall II. Moe. They’ve all appeared in Cool Jerk as themselves and they all have something in common… EXCEPT ONE. Who’s the odd man out and why?

SM: I may be wrong here… haven’t checked dates and all, but… YOU KILLED THEM ALL, YOU SICK BASTARD!!!! Well, ‘cept Moe. He had achieved doornail status long before you featured him. But the others were happily minding their own celebrity business pre-Cool Jerk guest spot… then they bit it. Promise me I’ll never have a cameo in your comic, Horn.

PH: Correct! I thought this was easily the most-difficult question, but Shana t-balled on it and POW! Outta the park! I could’ve also put Michael Hutchence (from INXS) in the roll call except that strip isn’t in the, um, morgue.

– – –

5.) This one’s a doozy: He’s almost always barefoot, BUT in how many Cool Jerk strips do we actually see Armpit wearing footwear of some kind? (Note: I’m not making this a trick question — if you can’t see his feet or if they’re in silhouette, it’s implied that he’s barefoot.) I’m looking for descriptions of the strips, not just the number. For example, “The one where Armpit gets a back-alley colonic, the one where Armpit…” etc.

SM: DAMN you, Paul Horn! Damn you and your addictive creation to HELL!!

Senior Prom – no tux is one thing… but ROLLER BLADES? Second instance of a shoe-clad jerk was the one-panel Armpit-and-Puppy-go-to-scary-hardcore-concert-dressed-like-they-gots-themselves-some-Saturday-Night-Fever strip. Who doesn’t get hot wearing polyester? (There’s also) one where Armpit and Manhattan are reviving the bad fashion trends of the seventies in the “Judge Thredd” story arc – hand-tooled leather boots. Armpit wears shoes when he rips the Senior guidance counselor a new one right before graduation. THAT IS IT. I WASH MY HANDS OF YOUR COMIC AND ITS FOOTWEAR OR LACK THEREOF… DO YOU HEAR ME??!

PH: So very close. Yes, those four are the ones that everyone found… but the FIFTH and final one is where Armpit is disguised as Eddie Vedder to fake out Shannen Doherty. Birkenstocks, baby!

– – –

And so there you have it. Shana gets a coolio* Cool Jerk T-shirt (or tank) of her choice!

A big thanks to her and to the scores of you subscribing fans who participated in this little game! The common rabble — i.e. those who wandered onto the Cool Jerk site who DON’T get my weekly e-reminder — weren’t privy to this contest, so they missed out!

I’ll have another contest in a while, so keep reading! And if you’re not a subscriber, mouse down the the bottom of the page and SIGN UP so you won’t miss out!

* not Coolio.

Mark your calendars, crew! On December 10, 2005, I’ll be at Comickaze (5517 Clairemont Mesa Blvd., San Diego) with three other local heroes of the San Diego indy comics scene… like a nano-comic-con! From 1-5pm, we — Ryan Claytor (Elephant Eater Comics), Shana Manion (Miss Anthropy), and Josep Blas (Space Punks) — will be spreading the gospel of our cool comics and meeting with our local fans. And, as you would expect, we’ll be peddling our wares. Just in time for the holidays, too!

Speaking for myself, I’ll have swell Cool Jerk and Doc Splatter T-shirts for sale, plus ashcan Cool Jerk sampler books and lots of free shwag.

Come one and come all! Be there AND be square!

My veal pen for 2005. T-Shirts, collectible business cards, buttons, stickers, sampler books, hats, Jones soda and a thong. Even MORE crap for all!

David Poller, yours truly and Jason Childs at the table.

If Gotham’s defenders are here… who’s protecting the city?

I guess that leaves Batgirl, whose shift begins in an hour.

And here’s the movie version of Nightwing.

Two candy-powered ‘Jerk fans, Kim the Cat and Ian.

The source of the aforementioned candy. He looks more like Elton John than Johnny Depp, tho.

“How much do you like Cool Jerk?” “THIS much!”
Other days they were dressed as Hulk and She-Hulk, Flash (below) and Catwoman, two members of the Green Lantern Corps and Vision and Scarlet Witch.
The dude was commando. Swear.

Sweet Jesus. This guy makes Jack Nicholson look like an old woman. And (seriously) he’s a Cool Jerk subscriber!

The ass of the Fastest Man Alive! (this one’s for all the ladies)

The Sentinel of Liberty better not skimp on the relish.

Another Black Canary, Catwoman, Batman (in back) and Harley Quinn.

Doc Splatter’s colleague, straight from London — Shawn (of the Dead)!

Hey, zombie! Watch out for Shawn!!

Spider-Man nemesis Electro! The fingertips really shot electricity, I think.

Dark Phoenix stopped by to annihilate the hemisphere.

Jack Black was hangin’ around, talking smack and promoting “King Kong.”

Gene Simmons looking skeezier than ever.

One of the best costumes at the ‘Con…

…and one of the worst (hint: Dr. Doom doesn’t have “dirty pillows”).

Another celeb. I always dug his song “Rock You Like a Hurricane.”

Scarlet Witch and Vision. Homeboy’s mask was too high so you can see his chin bulging out of the costume’s neck… among other bulges.

He’s got a Question for you: what’s the matter with the dude over his right shoulder?!?

“So, what’re you gonna wear to the ‘Con today?”
“Oh, I was thinking my denim short-shorts, striped leggings and my Sidewinder missile bra.”

She’s actually quite shy, I’m told.

Alas, I lost my voice again. I can still speak, but it sounds like a bad cell phone signal.

San Diego Comic-Con 2005 was a raging success! I managed to hoodwink scores upon scores of new ‘Jerks to join the ever-expanding army! All you veteran ‘Jerks out there — please make them feel welcome and be sure to teach them the secret handshake.

It was really swell to be reunited with some of my sleeper agents. There are too many of you folks to thank, but I can at least give a shout out to Will, Jamie, Bozzi and Psyche, Kim and Ian, the Poway Posse, Joker and Tokyo Pizzaboy. And a tip o’ the fez to Mr. Childs, Mr. Nero and Mr. Poller for chillin’ with me at the table. And of course to my gal Darlene! I wonder how many of you new subscribers fell prey to her female charms?

The super-swell freebee tchotchkey (that I promised all of you subscribers if you came by the table and checked in) was extraordinarily late and didn’t arrive in time for the ‘Con. My heart was heavy but — good news! — the Cool Jerk Air Fresheners have arrived and now my corporate headquarters smells like a brothel!

Many T-shirts were sold, along with sampler books and underwear. It’s true! A lot of my merchandise backstock was drained, forcing me into reprints for next year. Doc Splatter got his very own T-shirt design this year! It’s a front-and-back design, limited run of 20 shirts (I think I’m down to 5 or 6). If you’re interested, buzz me and I’ll sell one to ya for $15. I’ll cover the shipping.

For a photo recap of the event, go HERE!

Hello, all!

The San Diego Comic-Con International Preview Night went off without a hitch… EXCEPT… remember that cool freebee item I was mentioning in the mailers the past couple of weeks? The items that were supposed to arrive last week? Well, I called the distributor and they shipped TODAY. And UPS Ground at that. So all the cool freebees for you folks are going to show up at Cool Jerk’s corporate headquarters next Tuesday. I’m bent. So, I have a Plan B — I can either get a mailing address from all of you subscribers who come by my table and I’ll mail it out next week, OR I can whip out the pencil and sketch something for you. The freebee is really cool (allegedly) and every subscriber who stopped by is excited to hear about it. But a sketch is infinitely more valuable in the long run. Your call!

ITEM! On the way to the ‘Con tomorrow (Thursday), be sure to pick up The San Diego Union-Tribune. You’ll see a full-page Cool Jerk strip in the Night&Day section. Read it there first, BEFORE I publish it online!

Any of you read Wizard magazine? You know, Wizard – The Guide to Comics? Well, if you go RIGHT NOW and pick up the current issue, which is #161 (easily visible on the spine of the magazine), you’ll see something swell by Our Man Horn! No, it isn’t Cool Jerk-related, but it is a two-page spread on the X-Men’s Danger Room! If you already have your Wizard — and I know a lot of you CJ subscribers are into comics — just turn to pages 30-31! The folks at Wizard were pretty happy with this gig so there may be more “Hornographic” projects like this in the future. I’ll keep you all posted!

(note: Wizard is available at most any newsstand or bookstore, in case you’re hesitant to venture into your local comics shop)

…and we were there (kinda)!

These shots were taken Nov. 29, 2004.
Place: Hollywood, CA. Just outside Grauman’s Chinese Theatre (now a MANN Theater).

Darlene and I went up to Hollywood to gawk at the big event: Godzilla’s first U.S. premiere. All previous Godzilla movies (I’m not counting Tri-Star’s 1998 shitpile and you shouldn’t either) have premiered in Japan… except this one. “Godzilla: Final Wars” is — allegedly — Toho Studio’s last Godzilla film for a decade.

So here we are at the red carpet (no, we common folk weren’t allowed to see the movie — that was reserved for special guests and Toho execs).

Godzilla received his star on the Walk of Fame. About frickin’ time, too. Homeboy’s been making movies since 1954 (that’s 50 years).

Yeah, that really does say “GODZILLA.” But I was blocking the light which would normally reflect off of the gold lettering.

<radiohead> “I wish I were special… so effing special…” </radiohead>

The gaudy float. I understand there was a parade the day before and this thing was wheeled out about an hour before the actual premiere. It was shrieking about every 45 seconds while Akira Ifukube’s “Godzilla March” played on the loudspeakers. It was a special time. Too bad Godzilla is gray, not green.

In response to the THOUSANDS of Doc Splatter fans who have been rabidly insisting that he return to the world — I’m pleased to announce that the Doc is back! I was able to negotiate with the Doc, creator and author of the cult hit The Gore Score – Advice Column of the Supernatural, to rerun his old strips.

But there was one condition — they had to be digitally remastered. You see, when The Gore Score originally ran, they were analog and the master files were destroyed. There are only old, scratchy copies of the originals, and that just won’t do. And since it takes a lot of time to carefully restore the 15-year-old comics, they’ll be showing up on an irregular basis. Maybe one a week, maybe one a month. I’ll let you know when there’s a new one online. And with digital remastering, we might get to see anything from color (!) to Greedo shooting first!

So without further ado, Doc Splatter!

Happy Halloween, freaks!

By now you should have received a test ‘Jerk mailer, making sure your e-address is working. By and large, most made it on the first try. Thank you!

I did receive a few bounces. Some were my fault (I made a typo), some were your fault (like no domain name following the @ sign)… and some were just illegible. So if you know someone who DID subscribe but never received that test mailer last week, please clue me in and I’ll add him or her to the list.

Remember to check my CafePress shop to get merch that I had on display! Those trucker hats are selling like condoms at Daytona Beach during spring break!

Plenty of crap for all!

Young minds forever corrupted… by Cool Jerk!

My arch-nemesis after the freak accident that grafted four prehensile tentacles to his body!

That’d be me (second from left) surrounded by Ghostbusters and She-Hulk. Those Ghostbuster uniforms were freakin’ sweet! And She-Hulk was best-lookin’ 7-foot-tall green gal in Nike underwear at the ‘Con. Swear.

Dr. Octopus kicks Cool Jerk’s pasty-white ass! (Doc Ock is Nathan Pierce, a ‘Jerk subscriber from last year’s Comic-Con, btw!)

Nightcrawler after some hormone therapy, an overdose of estrogen and a trip to Kinney Shoes. Love the fanny pack, you fuzzy blue elf!

Doc Ock drops his guard and gets laid out!

Ugly doll, cute doll, ugly doll.

Long-time ‘Jerk subscribers examining an ashcan and… the thong!

Even dainty, mythological forest creatures enjoy a good laugh now and then!

Suffocation hazard! Keep Cool Jerk stickers away from children!

“Soda sense tingling…!” After a day beating the living crap out of criminals, Spidey likes to throw back a special Cool Jerk Root Beer Jones Soda! (That’s Will Bento behind the mask)

Aqua Teen Hunger Force takes a breather.

No cuts in line! No slashes, either!

AWESOME Wolff and Byrd – Supernatural Attorneys at Law!

Bruce lives on!

That Monaghan Hobbit dude looking at some cool comics or something!

Best Superman at the ‘Con, hands down.

Remember that swell movie “It’s Alive?” I did (hence the smile)!

Ruining some gal’s sketchbook with my chicken scratches.

Another Nightcrawler. Well, I guess we all know why his tail was sticking straight up…!

A comic-con isn’t a comic-con without Buddy Christ. He was probably wondering why everyone was blowing off church to hang out with society’s seedy underbelly.

BEST COSTUME EVER! Actually, it’s an upcoming Bowen sculpture of Galactus. I made a joke about this two years ago, kinda. Wish it were actual size!

BEST FANS EVER! Since it was the last day, I decided to give them the Puppy thong. Of course, I personalized it for them by wearing it every day of the convention… even in the mornings when I was doing lots of yard work. Gosh it was a humid weekend! Anyway, I peeled it off and now it’s theirs.

In exchange for the thong, the crew above gave me this lovely work of fan art. I think it’s illegal to do that to money… but it’s probably illegal to sell used underwear, too. Thanks, chums! (note the anatomically correct illustration of the thong)

Incredibly hot! uh, I’m talking about the costume. It must’ve been incredibly hot in there.

The awesome Ms. Erin Gray. I regret to say that this is the first year in about four years that I didn’t get to take a photo with her. I went up there (autograph “veal pens” in the Sails Pavilion) but she’d gone home for the day I guess. >sigh<