OK. So I was off to a bad start. I thought I could do a “pre-comic-con” before the big show but I realized that I would reach more potential buyers IN the San Diego Convention Center.

And voila! My T-shirt says, “You promised to buy one!” Each buyer of Hodabeast sold at Comic-Con got an exclusive Paul Horn sketchbook ashcan FOR FREE!!!111oneone

Things were just smoking at the ‘Con, let me tell you! Here I am being interviewed by Access Hollywood. No, that’s actually David Malki!, the creator of the brilliant Wondermark.

Here’s what I was forced to look at for 36 continuous hours. (L to R – moi, Darlene, ghost writer David Poller, Kim the Catgirl and comics gadfly/illuminati John Layman)

John Layman, apoplectic that he’s getting his Hodabeast signed by yours truly IN THE FLESH!

Sweet baby Jesus! That’s actually Daniel Davis of Steam Crow Press, holding an awesome KlawBerry plushie. Do yourself a favor and buy his stuff. He’s got more talent in his pumpkinhead than most people have in their entire lower abdominal area!

I… I’m really not sure what this gal’s bag is. The hat makes me think “Hogan’s Heroes” and the rest of the outfit makes me think I’ve been a naughty, naughty boy.

“‘ssup, dog! Get some MF’ing Junior Whoppers at my crib, yo!”

It continues to haunt my dreams.

Ghost Rider and one of about a thousand pleather-clad Catwomen seen on the exhibitor floor.

Dr. Girlfriend smoking some Camel unfiltereds. You know… for the voice.

Just about creepy, seeing the “Saw” dude waving to you from the steps of the convention center.

Mary Marvel vs Black Adam.

Ms. Marvel is one of my favorite characters from Marvel Comics, and I’ve never seen anyone even remotely be able to pull off the proper look. She came pretty close (last year, she was Power Girl).

Eisner Award-nominees Sam and Max! I dunno if Steve Purcell was in the Sam costume or not.

Fun little sketch I whipped up for a fan.

…and one of Puppy.

Jonathan Solomon (remember last year’s “Sexy Velma” sketch?) asked for another sketch of another of his fetishes, Harley Quinn.

And a sketch of me by Arthur Baltazar, the artist of Patrick the Wolf Boy. I’ve never met him; Joe and Ben of the “Poway Posse” took my photo with their cell and showed it to Arthur… and 30 seconds later, instant sketch! Thanks, guys!

I don’t know what they were promoting, except Depression-era gangster violence.

Incredibles indeed.

Darlene managed to sneak a shot of Marina Sirtis (Counselor Deanna Troi on “Star Trek TNG”). I have to say, she still looks pretty damn good.

Not a costume, just comedy.

Jon Favreau’s shiny forehead and Robert Downey Jr. discuss how next year’s “Iron Man” movie will possibly be a mild success in the indy film circuit.

OK. Pretend you haven’t already seen the Iron Man mark I armor already on a quarter-million Web sites. Now bow before its awesomeosity.

Enchantress and Loki. I’ve been seeing this female model in various costumes since WonderCon in February, and the guy is at least a three-year veteran of SDCCI.

Another typical view from the Cool Jerk table (L to R: Adam West-style Batman, Loki and Wonder Woman). Hey, ladies… I don’t want to hear it! I’m just giving equal time for that Flash photo in 2005! Trivia: Guy in Loki and Flash costumes? Same person.

Neighbors to the north Jose Cabrera and his make-peepee-in-your-pants-funny “Crying Macho Man” comics. Behind him is his wife Naomi and “El Gato’s” certifiable Michael Aushenker (in blue).

That’s me and Whitney Matheson, from USA Today’s Pop Candy blog.

Here’s where I camped for five days of Comic-Con International. On Saturday I wheeled out the heavy artillery: the extend-o-matic Cool Jerk banner in the background (now visible from 1/4 mile away), and the “ASK ME ABOUT MY FUNBAGS” t-shirt. A lot of people did ask me about my funbags. Others just stared at my funbags. I even let some people gently touch my funbags.

Supergirl, Robin, Batman and Batgirl stopped by to administer some justice.

I don’t know why Hawkgirl and Poison Ivy joined the Dynamic Duo… but I’d let Batgirl slap the Batcuffs on me any day.

And speaking of Batgirl, meet Yvonne Craig! She’s adorable and was really tolerant of folks like me coming by and posing for photos with her. Woof!

Just as adorable is this sketch of my gal Darlene by Arthur Baltazar, the artist of Patrick the Wolf Boy.

Ming the Merciless, Martian Girl and Barbarella popped by the concession area for some pretzels.

Meet Jen Prescott. um… I guess she’s dressed as Robin and her stuffed tiger is wearing a Batman mask. And Charlos Gary, close personal friend and cartoonist (“Working it Out”)

Wonder Woman about three seconds from kicking my ass.

Kirk Alyn-style Superman and Green Lantern (the dude dressed as GL is a pro; last year he was Flash, Hulk, Electro, Vision and Mr. Fantastic. I also saw him as Angel this year).

My neighbor to the right, Phil Foglio. Name sound familiar? It’d better; Holmes has probably been doing the indy comics thing since before you were born!

Mystique, as she should’ve looked in the movie. Anyone in Hollywood who says “costumes in the comics just won’t translate to the silver screen” needs to come to SDCCI.

Beast…. or maybe he shoud be called “Sweaty Yeti.” OK, Hollywood doesn’t need to see this guy; they did fine with Kelsey Grammer’s makeup.

Brandon Routh should’ve been wearing hornrim glasses and a fedora with a PRESS sign tucked into the band.

Power Girl. Woof. With Martian Girl and Mystique, among the best costumes at Comic-Con this year (at least that I saw).

Woof. Once again. I have no idea who they are or where they came from… but their FREAKING MOUTHS MOVED WHEN THEY TALKED!

Catwoman checking to see if the photo made her butt look too big.

Meet Zachary Simon. And meet Armpit Beachhead (hair courtesy of Photoshop). And did you see Charlos Gary a few photos back? Say hello to Manhattan. I’m holding open auditions for Puppy Fizgig, by the way. I’m dead serious. Must be a Cool Jerk fan. E-mail me.

Jonathan Solomon — a long-time ‘Jerk addict — handed me his sketchbook and said, “Can you draw me a sexy Velma? You know, from Scooby-Doo?” I had 5 minutes to spare, so voila!

She’s a Supergirl, all right. She had all the poses down pat. Last year she was Hawkgirl.

This will be somebody’s birthday gift in 2007, methinks. Me heart Adam Hughes (the artist whose designs this sculpture is based on).

Again, the Puppy thong was a sure-fire crowd-pleaser. Say hello to Camilla d’Errico, a brand-new ‘Jerk and FREAKING INCREDIBLE ARTIST! She should have gone through the brainwashing and mind-control chip implantation by now….

Half of the “Poway Posse” — Nathan Pierce, Joseph & Ben DiAnna — dropped off another monetary memento. Remember a couple years back when they trashed that Five Spot? Well, at least they’re using foreign currency nowadays. Thanks, guys!

Sigh. Another year, another Comic-Con International in San Diego. Another exhausting five days of playing pitchman and getting through on adrenaline and minimal sleep. And another five days with my voice totally thrashed.

Wouldn’t miss it for the world.

In a nutshell, SDCCI was really terrific for me and Cool Jerk. I’m almost totally out of air fresheners and ashcans. Many t-shirts are gone and may not be reprinted. The Post-Its were a smash and so were the Happy Happy Funbags.

I had a mental checklist of Cool Jerk fans & friends that I expected to see, and I saw pretty much all of ’em at one point or another. I’d like to say thanks. I know SDCCI is gi-freaking-normous and there’s so much to see and do… and it means a lot that you all took a few minutes to swing by and chat/buy stuff/get some sketches. There’s no way I can mention all of you, but “hey!” to a chunk of the Poway Posse (Nathan, Ben, Joseph, Barry), Jamie, Sister Mary Shovelface and Superfro, Chris C. the Tokyo Pizzaboy, Layman, Marc Mason, Allen, Robert the Adult Swimmer, sketchmongers Jonathan and Jonathan, Will “Thwip” Bento, Kim the caffeinated cat-girl and her pop, the Louisiana Pines, Charlos and so many more!

Special thanks to my gal Darlene, who provided a lot of support and behind-the-scenes brainpower. I really appreciate that she spent so much time with me behind the table, luring unsuspecting comics fans into our web of comedy. Despite the hours she spent working the table, she was able to meet two of her idols: Yvonne Craig (actress who played Batgirl on TV’s “Batman”) and Carmine Infantino (artist who brought Batgirl to the comics as a result of Yvonne’s character’s popularity). She also blogged for Comixpedia.com

If you’d like to live vicariously through me, check the photo-heavy recap page.

My veal pen for 2005. T-Shirts, collectible business cards, buttons, stickers, sampler books, hats, Jones soda and a thong. Even MORE crap for all!

David Poller, yours truly and Jason Childs at the table.

If Gotham’s defenders are here… who’s protecting the city?

I guess that leaves Batgirl, whose shift begins in an hour.

And here’s the movie version of Nightwing.

Two candy-powered ‘Jerk fans, Kim the Cat and Ian.

The source of the aforementioned candy. He looks more like Elton John than Johnny Depp, tho.

“How much do you like Cool Jerk?” “THIS much!”
Other days they were dressed as Hulk and She-Hulk, Flash (below) and Catwoman, two members of the Green Lantern Corps and Vision and Scarlet Witch.
The dude was commando. Swear.

Sweet Jesus. This guy makes Jack Nicholson look like an old woman. And (seriously) he’s a Cool Jerk subscriber!

The ass of the Fastest Man Alive! (this one’s for all the ladies)

The Sentinel of Liberty better not skimp on the relish.

Another Black Canary, Catwoman, Batman (in back) and Harley Quinn.

Doc Splatter’s colleague, straight from London — Shawn (of the Dead)!

Hey, zombie! Watch out for Shawn!!

Spider-Man nemesis Electro! The fingertips really shot electricity, I think.

Dark Phoenix stopped by to annihilate the hemisphere.

Jack Black was hangin’ around, talking smack and promoting “King Kong.”

Gene Simmons looking skeezier than ever.

One of the best costumes at the ‘Con…

…and one of the worst (hint: Dr. Doom doesn’t have “dirty pillows”).

Another celeb. I always dug his song “Rock You Like a Hurricane.”

Scarlet Witch and Vision. Homeboy’s mask was too high so you can see his chin bulging out of the costume’s neck… among other bulges.

He’s got a Question for you: what’s the matter with the dude over his right shoulder?!?

“So, what’re you gonna wear to the ‘Con today?”
“Oh, I was thinking my denim short-shorts, striped leggings and my Sidewinder missile bra.”

She’s actually quite shy, I’m told.

Plenty of crap for all!

Young minds forever corrupted… by Cool Jerk!

My arch-nemesis after the freak accident that grafted four prehensile tentacles to his body!

That’d be me (second from left) surrounded by Ghostbusters and She-Hulk. Those Ghostbuster uniforms were freakin’ sweet! And She-Hulk was best-lookin’ 7-foot-tall green gal in Nike underwear at the ‘Con. Swear.

Dr. Octopus kicks Cool Jerk’s pasty-white ass! (Doc Ock is Nathan Pierce, a ‘Jerk subscriber from last year’s Comic-Con, btw!)

Nightcrawler after some hormone therapy, an overdose of estrogen and a trip to Kinney Shoes. Love the fanny pack, you fuzzy blue elf!

Doc Ock drops his guard and gets laid out!

Ugly doll, cute doll, ugly doll.

Long-time ‘Jerk subscribers examining an ashcan and… the thong!

Even dainty, mythological forest creatures enjoy a good laugh now and then!

Suffocation hazard! Keep Cool Jerk stickers away from children!

“Soda sense tingling…!” After a day beating the living crap out of criminals, Spidey likes to throw back a special Cool Jerk Root Beer Jones Soda! (That’s Will Bento behind the mask)

Aqua Teen Hunger Force takes a breather.

No cuts in line! No slashes, either!

AWESOME Wolff and Byrd – Supernatural Attorneys at Law!

Bruce lives on!

That Monaghan Hobbit dude looking at some cool comics or something!

Best Superman at the ‘Con, hands down.

Remember that swell movie “It’s Alive?” I did (hence the smile)!

Ruining some gal’s sketchbook with my chicken scratches.

Another Nightcrawler. Well, I guess we all know why his tail was sticking straight up…!

A comic-con isn’t a comic-con without Buddy Christ. He was probably wondering why everyone was blowing off church to hang out with society’s seedy underbelly.

BEST COSTUME EVER! Actually, it’s an upcoming Bowen sculpture of Galactus. I made a joke about this two years ago, kinda. Wish it were actual size!

BEST FANS EVER! Since it was the last day, I decided to give them the Puppy thong. Of course, I personalized it for them by wearing it every day of the convention… even in the mornings when I was doing lots of yard work. Gosh it was a humid weekend! Anyway, I peeled it off and now it’s theirs.

In exchange for the thong, the crew above gave me this lovely work of fan art. I think it’s illegal to do that to money… but it’s probably illegal to sell used underwear, too. Thanks, chums! (note the anatomically correct illustration of the thong)

Incredibly hot! uh, I’m talking about the costume. It must’ve been incredibly hot in there.

The awesome Ms. Erin Gray. I regret to say that this is the first year in about four years that I didn’t get to take a photo with her. I went up there (autograph “veal pens” in the Sails Pavilion) but she’d gone home for the day I guess. >sigh<

Sweet jumping prunes! Day three is in the can!

Notables: I autographed a shoe, chatted with the Scotts (McCloud and Kurtz), actaully sold some ‘Jerk merch and signed up dozens more ‘Jerks to the weekly mailer! I was at the table most of the day, but managed to slip away to catch the FOX panels on August’s “Alien vs. Predator” and next year’s “Fantastic Four” movies. No shock to anyone that I’m a huge FF fan. A lot of my concerns were alleviated by what was said. But heck… there’s plenty of room to screw things up, since principal shooting hasn’t even started yet. Darlene and I missed the Masquerade this year but that’s fine because we’re VERY LOUD hecklers. As it is, my voice is gonna be shredded tomorrow.

Thanks to Sean McDade — fellow cartoonist and artist from waaay back (like when Cool Jerk was running in the Reno and Palm Springs newspapers) — for blowing a few hours and dollars over dinner!

Remember to check my CafePress shop to get merch that I have on display at the ‘Con.

The 34th San Diego Comic-Con International is over, and now I have to give you a recap.

It was great. Totally worth losing my voice for.

I met scores of new and future ‘Jerks, including a gaggle of enthusiastic kids from Poway, Calif., some really cool folks from Las Vegas (who love Pat & Oscar’s breadsticks as much as we San Diegans), a couple from Austria, a Lara Croft from Illinois and some dudes from Reno who remember “Cool Jerk” when it was in the Reno newspaper in the early 1990s. There were many more, too… including a lot of pros. And, of course, no ‘con would be complete without an Erin Gray update. She’s doing well and I gave her a Cool Jerk sampler book. Any moment now she’ll visit my site and discover the strip where I mentioned her.

And the best part — no one said that I sucked. At least to my face. Thank you!

I’m still in the afterglow, but there’s a lot of work to do around the mansion, so I’d better bail. More later and thanks for the online visit! Here’s a photo-recap! (NOTE: these are from previous SD comic-cons, as my photo archive from 2003 vaporized when my Mac’s hard drive had a heavy head crash. If any of you readers have Cool Jerk pics, please send some my way and I’ll add ’em to the blog!)

Sweet baby Jesus. It’s Erin “Wilma Deering” Gray, who can’t keep her paws offa me! “Where can I get a shirt just like yours, Paul?” she asked me, eyes moist with tears of excitement….

Here’s Elektra administering a bad, bad boy some punishment. NINJA punishment!

Even the ruler of a tiny postcard nation in the Balkans couldn’t resist getting a Cool Jerk shirt! “Such apparel is usually ill-suited for the monarch of Latveria… but Doom was intrigued by the clever design. Richards may have trapped me in this girl’s body… but he’ll NEVER steal my Cool Jerk shirt!”

Riddle me this! That’s me with Frank Gorshin. (Frank passed away on May 17, 2005)

Richard Hatch (Apollo from “Battlestar Galactica”), Darlene and me in the autograph “veal pens” on the roof of the convention center. Darlene’s grinning because her right hand is kinda on Hatch’s butt. I kid you not.

What do Aquaman and Flash (and Atom, if you look closely) have to do with getting a Cool Jerk shirt? Absolutely nothing! But maybe someday I’ll make Cool Jerk underwear, so these boys won’t have to fight crime ‘commando-style.’ And getta load of the hottie in the middle! Woo-hoo!

A family of Klingons while a B-list sci-fi celebrity looks on.

One of many Lara Croft cosplayers, plus a Princess Leia in the foreground. These folks were lining up for the Masquerade.

Harley Quinn on her way to causing Gotham City some mayhem.

Darlene goes gangsta against The Baroness, who actually seems unimpressed in the face of danger. Well, what do you expect from a super-villainess?

“Hey, Phil – what’re you gonna wear tonight?”

“I dunno – I was thinking my red shirt, Levis and THE FREAKIN’ DEATH STAR.”

For the love of all that’s holy, don’t end up like these permanently celibate yahoos! Get yourself a Cool Jerk shirt!